


Tsukki is a pining baby

by PrinceKatsuki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love Triangles, No Smut, One-Sided Attraction, Oneshot, Sad, im sorry, no relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:22:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25182430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceKatsuki/pseuds/PrinceKatsuki
Summary: Its another training camp arc but Tsukishima realizes he's in love with a certain rooster haired idiot.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji & Kuroo Tetsurou, Akaashi Keiji & Tsukishima Kei, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou & Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 9





	Tsukki is a pining baby

The tall blonde was walking along the outside area, looking for a nice place to sit and relax in silence. Even with his headphones on it was nicer to be far away from people. He knew Kuroo and Bokuto were having a match, that was good, if they didn't he was sure he would've been disturbed and probably scared.  
His music was always so loud he barely heard anything else. Tsukishima wouldn't be surprised if people could hear his music.

Sighing audible he looked around and walked along what seemed to be an empty pathway. It was near the gyms, he was sure if he turned off his music or took off his headphones he could hear the people inside practicing, but he didn't bother. He didn't care.  
Kei spot a bench and sat down on it as soon as he had reached it. He leaned back and took a deep breath as he closed his eyes.

The male let his music hit him in just the worst places as he felt like screaming but remained silent. It felt terrible.  
He hadn't looked at Yamaguchi since that day and neither had he spoken nor texted him. It felt as terrible as it made him think it was better. Sure, he knew Kuroo had been right about the confrontation things and all, but it wasn't as easy as he made it sound like.  
Tsukishima clenched his jaw as he continued to think of various things that might happen if he didn't talk to Yamaguchi, but what about the things that would happen if he did talk to him?

Kei had come to the conclusion that if Yamaguchi had feelings for him he would have to turn him down. Tsukishima didn't like him that way, sure they were close but after having thought it through he had no feelings for him. As much as he wished it would've been that way so he wouldn't have to break his friends heart, it wasn't like that.  
Just thinking about the way Yamaguchi would look at him, the way his eyes would swell up with tears. How his voice would crack and how he'd probably be shaking..  
Tsukishima couldn't do it.

He grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pressed his lips together as he looked up at the sky and opened his eyes. The feeling in his chest made him want to scream, cry and just leave the place. Kei simply hoped he could concentrate when they had a game soon.  
Though it was quite obvious to him that he wasn't going to be able to concentrate if that was all his mind was on about. It had bothered him when he had found out that the mental images of him and Tadashi being in a relationship weren't what he himself liked.

Unfortunately that hd made him find out something else. It wasn't that he had any idea about relationships or love in general. He was still pretty young afterall, but the mental images his head had preferred made him feel embarrassed.  
That's when they came back to his mind and the blondes face turned a bright red as he tried to abandon the thoughts, but they kept coming back. Even if he tried to make his Music even louder they didn't stop and he couldn't drown them.

Tsukishima swallowed audible and hid his face in his hands as he put his elbows on his legs and leaned down. This was a terrible thing and yet his heart beat so fast at the thought of him and-  
/Kei, stop it./  
He reminded himself as this wasn't what he wanted to think about in silence. But it became awfully aware to him that it hadn't been that easy to push his mind in a different headspace.

When did that feeling even start?  
The tall male was sure he'd been feeling like this for a bit longer already, but he couldn't really tell. Had his heart always beat like this when he looked at them, thought about them? He really couldn't tell. All that he knew was just that he was now painfully aware of this weird feeling and was sure it would cause him a lot more troubles. Tsukishima never thought he'd feel like this towards anyone, really.

But here he was, sitting on a bench his music blasting at an unhealthy volume into his ears, with a face as red as a tomato.  
His mind was full of images that he'd rather not have and he wasn't sure how to handle all of that either. Was it just the fact that he'd gotten older and now it was a natural thing maybe? That his hormones and mind were trying to tell him it was time for him to finally go and find someone. 

Yet that wasn't something Tsukishima did. He prefered staying in the background, watching from afar as people did the things they were good at and lived their lives. Kei had other problems than to worry about his heart beating faster whenever he saw him. For god's sake he hoped he wouldn't get a heart attack from it in the soon to be future. But god, he really couldn't help his thoughts. 

The probably worst part was that he couldn't share his thoughts with anyone. Yamaguchi was definitely a no, Bokuto was self explanatory and Kuroo.. that wouldn't take a good ending. Maybe he could talk to Akaashi, but he wasn't that close to him and he never really knew what the ravenette was thinking, even if he was probably a good listener.  
Kei sighed, putting a hand against his lips. Though the thoughts got the best of him. Thinking about so many things so detailed and almost disturbing that Tsukishima wanted to throw his head away. He would definitely not take a step towards that person and test out the water or see how it might end.

It wouldn't end well.  
He knew that, Tsukishima was no person for relationships and even when he thought about holding hands or just running his hands through his hair, he couldn't take it.  
The reality of him not being able to reach that far hit him like a brick in his face and it didn't matter how much he'd wish for this feeling to vanish or be returned, he knew it wasn't like that. To the person he liked he was nothing but a bystander, just a side character. 

Of course he could try and get into the person's life. Invade it, mess it up by turning everything around. But, he had no such intentions. He didn't even expect any returned feelings. Kei wasn't even sure if he'd want a relationship in case the feelings were returned. So what if they were? Why confess if he had no further intentions?  
He could simp over the person in silence and it was probably better if he kept it at that. No confession, just staring and admiring in silence. 

That reminded him of something Akaashi had once told him. Last training camp. They had been sitting in the gym and watched Bokuto and Kuroo do their.. things. They had sat in silence until Kei had asked him why he went to Fukurodani out of all schools. That had been the first time he'd seen the black haired smile even.  
'I saw Bokuto-san at a game and he pulled all my attention to him. He fascinated me so much i wanted to stay by his side to keep on watching him and admire him in silence.'  
Something like that had been his response and when Tsukishima had asked further the shorter had only smiled but not answered. 

Akaashi was a nice but strange person to him. He had such a cold and calm expression that Kei never expected him to even think like that about anyone. The phrasing still bothered him. 'A star', Bokuto was truly good, but why would that be the reason someone would choose a school?  
Tsukishima couldn't wrap his head around it, so he didn't bother. But now that he had these thoughts he kind of had a feeling what Akaashi had meant that time, but he wasn't sure. 

It did hurt.  
Even when people said Love was a nice thing, it usually only hurt. He would have to hurt his best friend because of it and he was going to remain in the state of unknown until it was harming himself. He could hide it. It wasn't that difficult. All it would do was wear him out until he would want to scream it out.  
Maybe he'd end up like most girls in love stories.  
Just no happy end.

Tsukishima took another deep breath as he sat up and pushed his glasses back into place and exhaled just as deeply. So how was he supposed to look at the black haired again after his realization? He had already know earlier that morning but it were only a few minutes seeing him, easier to hide. Now this went on for a few days, he couldn't just avoid him, not him anyway. Especially not if he was already avoiding Yamaguchi. In the end he was sure that Kuroo would come and ask him about Yamaguchi again.

He couldn't just turn around and pretend the male wasn't there.  
Kei hated that he had to feel all of this and that he had to deal with these feelings when he'd rather just stay an outstander. He didn't want to interfere in Kuroo's life anymore than he already did. Confessing made things difficult, but pretending that he didn't like him in such a way when he was right there next to him was just as difficult. 

Tsukishima enjoyed the teasing as much as he hated it. It made him feel close to the black haired. He'd realized it when he was standing at the tree earlier. It made it even more obvious to himself that he felt comfortable with the way Kuroo seemed to be looking out for him, but he was sure that to said male it was more of a looking out to a friend or if anything to a younger brother.  
Kei wasn't special on that end. Kuroo interacted with a lot of people that way, he wouldn't have to think hard about it to list at least five people.

So he had no hope. But it was better that way, if he was lucky no hope would let him silently drown his feelings.  
Suddenly a thought came to mind and Kei's eyes widened. What if he asked Akiteru for help?  
He wasn't sure if he trusted him, but he knew that with his brother being older he had more experience on how to deal with things. Though he would suggest confessing, he was a romantic idiot afterall.  
Sighing once more Tsukishima gave in to his music and tried to shut his thoughts up once more.

The song coming from his headphones didn't make any of this easier. It was actually making things worse. It only made him think more about the pretty male and he'd rather not think of him that way. Why couldn't he just think of him as his mentor? That's what he was after all and nothing else.  
But did he want to be more?  
Yeah, yeah he did. He wanted to be the first person Kuroo would want to reach out to if he was in a bad mood, but he knew he wouldn't ever get that close. There were plenty of people in line before him. Kenma, his closest friend, Bokuto and Akaashi and probably other people he didn't know.

The song changed and Tsukishima couldn't help the tug on his heart at the first line.  
/'A broken heart is all that's left'/  
His face seemed to show a hurt expression, before he managed to calm it down and took a deeper breath than all the times he had before that day. It was hurting so much he ended up skipping the song, not being able to take the amount of feelings it was giving him. Kei opened his eyes and looked down at his shoes. 

Should he just leave? Maybe after their first practice match. He could say he felt sick. Fuck the long way back home, he'd make Akiteru pick him up. That guy owed him, still. Akiteru always owed him even for no reason. That was how both of them felt even after all that time.  
Yeah, that sounded like a plan. Nobody would suspect a thing, it wouldn't be too surprising if the blonde felt weak, after all he barely even ate enough.

Tsukishima had no energy for getting teased and made fun of when he gets rude. If anything he had even lost the little bit of joy he had had when he heard they would have another training camp.  
This was getting him harder than he wanted it to, but apparently he had no control over it as it just kept hitting him harder. Should he stay? SHould he leave? Leaving was the easier option, who cares if he was being a wimp or not.  
/'I'm only a fool for you, and maybe you're too good for me.'/

His mood was getting dragged down more and more. Tsukishima just had to think about him and his head was full of questions. Kei would rather be buried alive than continuing to have these confusing thoughts. They were conflicting him and all he wanted was his mind at peace.  
The tall male felt his eyes water and only frowned in confusion. Were it the songs? Were it his thoughts? Maybe both adding up were too overwhelming.

Tsukishima had never been in love, how was he supposed to know what to do? Right, that's why he wouldn't do anything at all. He was just going to avoid Yamaguchi as well as Kuroo. It hurt on both sides.  
So he decided it would be best to leave them alone until all feelings died down. Its not like he ever really showed what he was thinking, maybe he should take some advice from Akaashi. He seemed to be the coldest person he's met so far.

Kei's head began to hurt from the loud music and his thoughts screaming at him. He felt exhausted too, maybe he was actually getting sick, maybe he should not play in the match.  
He swallowed, his eyes tearing up again.  
Why was it hurting him so much when he only tried to reject his own feelings. He wasn't denying the fact that he liked Kuroo, the boy was simply trying to make himself clear that hope wasn't appreciated.

But it wasn't like he had any control over it. He could tell himself that he was under control when he obviously wasn't, but how else should he try to stay calm?  
The unwanted hope that lingered and stuck to the walls of his emotional heart made the fact that he was nothing but a friend hurt even more. Even a clear rejection couldn't kill that hope. It was only there to make Tsukishima suffer and now that he could name all of those feelings he felt incredibly guilty for Tadashi.

To know that his best friend might feel the same pain as he did? That tore on the nice sides on him. He felt terrible and that not only as a friend. Maybe it would really be better if he could leave.  
Better for everyone.

He hadn't noticed until the cold wind came by that his face felt cold and wet. So he hadn't managed to hold them back, how pitiful. Tsukishima could be glad nobody could see him there.  
Perhaps letting everything out once could make him feel better, that's what people usually thought. But not Tsukishima.  
The blonde held in his breath, suffocating the sobs before they were even able to properly form inside of his throat.

Kei took off his glasses with one hand and used the other to wipe at his face.  
Only after not having had the urge to sob for a bit he allowed himself to take another breath and yes, he had successfully silenced the only thing that could've become a problem, his tears.  
If there were no tears, there was no sign of a sad pining person.

Water formed itself in his eyes once again, but he got rid of it by blinking enough. Only then he put his glasses back on and got up. Just that match, if anything he could always pretend to feel sick, if he even had to pretend.  
/'I act like I don't fucking care, like they ain't even there.'/  
He pushed his glasses back into place properly, before he began to walk. He was being slow, but he didn't mind. More time to look less terrible again.  
/'I act like I don't fucking care, 'cause I'm so fucking scared.'/

He stopped again for a second, turning his head back at the bench. This was a nice place. If he couldn't leave he was just going to go there and hide. It wasn't that much of a secret place, but if he claimed it, he claimed it.  
/'And maybe you're too good for me.'/  
Tsukishima continued to walk, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he walked past the gym that was being played in.

The blonde had glanced inside through a window, but decided it would've been stupid to just stand there and watch like an idiot. After all he wouldn't be watching th game.  
He hated this, feelings were shit, he'd rather have none at all.  
/'But I don't fucking care, I don't fucking care, I don't fucking care-'/

Tsukishima had walked past the Gym with the voices when he then ended up turning around on his heels and went back to it. Gladly he was tall enough to look through the windows without making too much noise. It seemed like a good match so far, they apparently had just started and what Kei had heard earlier must've been them preparing themselves.

His eyes drifted off to a specific black haired male and he sighed at himself, watching quietly. He was well aware he shouldn't end up focusing only on Kuroo, he should keep an open mind, be aware that he wouldn't get anything but rejected. As much as it hurt at the moment he would either end up ignoring his feelings or he'd manage to deal with them.

Just watching him play was giving the blonde so much serotonin, he couldn't even explain how. It made him happy to see Kuroo all hyper and concentrated. He seemed to be having fun and Kei was glad he was, but he couldn't help the disgusting and stupid feelings of negativity come up in himself.  
He never cared on if he was important to someone, why now?

It hurt him that his mind was telling him that he wouldn't ever be able to make him that happy, not in this life and not in those after. The blondes golden orbs turned to look at the Fukurodani team and he was surprised by how concentrated most of them seemed to be, well not all. Some people on the entire field seemed like they'd rather want to walk away and do different things. But he could be wrong, Tsukishima was never good at reading people, all he ever knew was how to be rude, but that usually worked the same for everyone.

Kei ran a hand through his hair and continued to watch for a little longer before he turned away and leaned against the wall with his back. The weather seemed to be nice, but he hoped it would rain so he had a reason to stay outside and get sick. Maybe he should walk barefoot.

No, He knew that there was no use in getting actually sick. Running away from his problems for forever was a solution and it probably wasn't the most difficult, but he knew it would be the wrong decision. That didn't mean that he would go ahead and confess to Kuroo or reject Yamaguchi directly, but it meant he wouldn't avoid them. Over the time he would learn how to deal with them and that was all that counted.

He closed his eyes again and was glad when he had the feeling that his face wasn't feeling like he had bawled his eyes out ten minutes ago. Tsukishima took out his phone to make sure he didn't look like it either, happy when he found out that he didn't. Nobody would know nor guess what's happened and he was sure nobody really cared either.

He hummed quietly to his music, the song 'Take Care' by Thomas Reid was pleasing his ears. It was calm, sad but relaxing. It wasn't necessarily making him feel bad. It made him rather feel good and accomplished. He had found a solution for the first problem, that being what he should do now. The answer was simple: nothing. That was his actual answer and he was satisfied with it for now.

Though the second and third problem were worse. How long could he pull through without having anyone notice something? How long could he take the usual teasing of the emo cat?  
Tsukishima knew he couldn't answer these questions beforehand and he had to wait to get his answers, but at least he had a place to start. 

Now that he thought about it, he would also be just fine listening to Kuroo talk about his problems to him, if he could just be there, useful. Listen to his calming voice and give him some advice. That's all he really asked for and all he really needed. Well maybe he needed a bit more than that, but technically he would be fine if it wouldn't become more than that.  
He just wanted to be close to still the desires that came up. 

It would be enough, he hoped.

He took a deep breath as he changed the music that was playing to a better song. Tsukishima stood there, leaning against the rather cold wall and put his hands into his pockets. A small chuckle left from his lips as he thought about how pathetic he actually felt standing there. What for? Was he waiting for the game to end so he could be pining over Kuroo from not so far away?

Kei would always be far away. He could try his best to get better, not as rude or straight forward but in the end he was sure no change would help him. The awareness of not being the one for someone he liked was hitting hard. He only hoped it would leave him sometime. There was no way he would take this upon himself and try and fight for him, how stupid.

Tsukishima could surely try to make him pretty eyes, but where was the use? If someone didn't like you the way you are that wouldn't change anytime soon. It wouldn't change ever. Looks weren't going to help him, not that he had anything great to provide regardless. He didn't have the prettiest body nor face, but he's never felt as ashamed of it until he noticed he actually did like someone.

That's why he was wearing a jacket after all, he was trying to hide how skinny he was. He remembered Kuroo mentioning how less he ate at the last training camp. So now that he did care, he felt insecure. Not to say he didn't have a lot of muscles either. Was there anything about him worth looking at?  
Probably not.

The tall blonde bit the inside of his cheek and frowned. These type of thoughts were new and he wasn't sure how to deal with them yet ignoring them didn't work, he's tried to by making his music as loud as possible, maybe it didn't work because it had already been at full volume, he didn't check. It would be no surprise if people walking past him could hear his music. But there was nothing too special about it, just some normal songs and maybe a few lofi beats.

It pissed him off.  
Kuroo was too pretty, not only that but his personality made him even more pretty. Even if the ravenette ever made Tsukishima uncomfortable he somehow endured it and still wanted to have Kuroo near him. At those times he just didn't realize why he could ignore it. Maybe he had simply just liked him? Either way now he was in love with him and hoping that feeling would leave was not on the menu.

Tsukishima hated the way that even when they were texting or he only heard his voice he could see the smirk he might've been having on his face. He hated that he wanted to ask him to hang out before but never bothered to actually do it. He hated that he had the chance to make every right choice but tend to make the wrong ones. Now he had to pay the price.

If possible, he hoped he wouldn't have to or ever will confess to Kuroo. It was no use. He has no reason to look at Tsukishima in any other way than as friends. There was no use to look at him different. Nothing had a use in any of this. It almost pissed him off that he couldn't even find a reason himself. He's been nothing but rude and changing it up now would be weird.

His only realistic option was to leave everything the way it was. He shouldn't tell anyone about it either, the possibility of someone ratting him out was too high. On accident or purpose didn't matter. People always find reasons to rat others out.  
Kei sighed and pushed his glasses back in place as he took a deep breath.

The mental image of just being able to lean against the other was already too pathetic and childish that he couldn't help but cringe at himself. He avoided physical touch most of the time and initiating it himself would only be weird. Maybe he wasn't made for love? The blonde could just stay alone for forever, it wouldn't make a difference. He didn't need anyone. Hasn't in the past and wont in the future. Fuck it, maybe he should distance himself from Kuroo more. 

That's how it usually worked, was it not? Pretending you don't like the person and the feeling will drift off if you try to get away. Unfortunately knowing Kuroo he wouldn't leave him alone, he was far too persistent and he just loved torturing Tsukishima with his presence.  
Maybe he should confess in the end to let it all out and to crush the final hopes he had.

But it would be stupid, he'd unnecessarily hurt himself. Perhaps he should really push him away up to the point Kuroo would think that Kei actually dislikes him, surprise he didn't think that just yet. Wasn't that a bit toxic?  
His head was so full he couldn't think properly and maybe that too was a problem. Why couldn't he just think of something else? Why did have to be on his mind and never leave? He couldn't tell.

Now that he thought about it though, he noticed rather big problem he had. Since he rarely fell for people, what if he was one of those kind of annoying people that fell hard? Pining over pining, even after confessing and being crushed into the ground. Did he want a relationship? No. Would he agree to a relationship with Kuroo if he was asked? Yes. How did that make sense? He didn't know.

Those were simply the thoughts and feelings he had on this situation. If he had any sort of influence he'd ask his brain to shut the fuck up and would erase any sort of feelings he had. Sure, they were there to protect you and make you enjoy life, but if he couldn't feel happiness nor sadness there wouldn't be any sort of problem. He'd do as he was told because he couldn't dislike it. Without being capable of being happy he couldn't like things. Things you like make you happy, thats /why/ you like them.

He was overthinking this in the wrong way, really. He couldn't get rid of his own emotions, why did he even bother elaborating the topic in his head.  
Tsukishima sighed another time and changed the song that was playing to a better one.  
/'Oh Klahoma'/

**Author's Note:**

> This were originally like 13 2000 character messenges for a roleplay, but it was so much that I could put it as a oneshot and that's what I did.  
> Be grateful.
> 
> jk pls send help


End file.
